“Are you happy to be discharged from this service?” I smile and reply “Yeah!” But as I walk away from my last session of therapy, a wave of emotion hits me and I can feel my throat tightening and my eyes welling up. I know I want to cry. I nearly do cry. But instead I try to analyse where all this emotion is coming from and – truth be told – I think there are several reasons.
I’m near tears because for one, I am scared. I am scared to be back in the big wide world on my own attempting to deal with my mental health and manage it should it go downhill again. Before I started my therapy sessions, I had them to look forward to. I had them as a pinpoint to aspire and aim for, almost like when you’re looking forward to going on holiday.
Back when I was feeling completely lost, hopeless and unmanageable, I was holding on to this hope that when I eventually saw a therapist everything would be better. So yes, firstly I am near tears because I am scared.
However, there’s more to it than that. There is also the fact that whilst I am walking away, I am hit with the nostalgia of how bad I was, what led me to these sessions in the first place and how dark a place I was in when my mental health really deteriorated. And honestly, that probably linked back in with the scared emotion, but also the sad and self-empathetic one.
As I continue to walk through the streets, I realise how far I come. How proud I am not only because the situation has now changed, but how proud I am of myself. For my strength and determination. Having never experienced anything like what I did last year, it was completely foreign to me and it was incredibly challenging and dark and possibly the worst thing I have experienced in my life to date.
So yes, I’m near tears for a few reasons, but one being how proud I am of myself with how I dealt with the situation, how far I am away from it now, but also how much I have learned in the process.